Our breast feeding journey thus far

**NOTE: This post contains pictures of breast feeding.

Today we are celebrating 13 months of breastfeeding.

Ugh, rewind please. I thought your son turned 13 months old on the 5th?
Oh. Right. Well, We weren't able to breastfeed until day 5. So, today we celebrate.

Hooray!

Before I ever even considered the thought of pregnancy, I knew I would breast feed. My mother breast fed, her mother breast fed, breast feeding was the way to go. Of course babies drank out of bottles and had formula sometimes, but I would breastfeed.

In April 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our surprise baby. I started reading and researching and doing everything I could to educate my self on as much as possible. All of this made me more determined to breast feed. I would be successful, because my mother was, and her mother was, and

I had no reason to believe I wouldn't be able to exclusively breastfeed.

I also had no reason to believe I would deliver my child, 5 weeks premature.

When Turtle-Love was born, at 35 weeks 3 days gestation, I was too busy contracting and wondering if my baby was going to be okay to even think about when we could start breast feeding. We got to spend about a minute with him after his birth when he hiccuped and his color changed. I notified the nurse immediately, they had thought we would get 30 minutes with him before he needed to go to the nursery, but that didn't happen. They rushed him off to help him breathe. Little Turtle-Love was under an oxy-hood in the nursery for that day and the next, and was then transported to the NICU at another hospital and placed on a CPAP.

What does any of that have to do with breastfeeding? For us, everything.

Since Turtle-Love couldn't really breathe on his own efficiently and without serious effort and strain on his body, he obviously couldn't nurse. They waited a whole day to see if he would be able to go to breast, which he couldn't, before deciding I should be pumping. I was provided a hospital grade pump on loan at the hospital, which was replaced later that day by the one WIC gave me. The lactation consultant I met with at our birthing hospital was great - and I left there feeling good about pumping. She was impressed I was expressing so quickly, and because my milk "sprayed". I felt like I would be the milk producing champ I had always thought I would be, like my mother. (To this day I bet she could express milk, and her children are in their 20's!)

I spent 4 days exclusively pumping, getting a few mLs here, and a couple mLs there. The lactation consultant had given me a syringe with a tube attached so I could suck up every little drop in the flanges etc. That stuff is liquid gold, you know. I was thankful the NICU had pumps there for me to use, so I only had to cart my horns and flanges and tubes and a sterilizing bag around, (only?!) and not the pump too (oh right, that thing is big and clunky!). They even had a mother's room with comfortable chairs, snacks, juice, and a TV. Every three hours, or as close to it as I could get, I spent 15-20 minutes holding my pump horns up to my breasts and pumping. I don't even know how long I spent after words washing, sterilizing, and drying all of the parts, labeling each syringe containing colostrum with Turtle-Love's personalized little medical stickers, and hand writing a date and time. It seemed like I would spend a whole hour in the pumping room, between setting up, pumping, and cleaning up. Sometimes it actually took longer. It was awkward to be pumping in front of other women at times, and I didn't know what to expect. I would see other moms come in to pump. Some NICU mommas, some nurses with babies at home. Everyone was there for the same purpose, doing the same thing.

And everyone was expressing more milk than I knew could be made.

One mother I met in the mother's room was pumping for her daughter, who was now 3 months old(if I remember correctly) and still in the NICU. She had been born very early, and her twin sister had not survived. My heart ached for her when she told me her story. She was in pumping for her daughter as often as I was for my son. She regularly pumped 4+ ounces at a time! She told me she had an entire freezer full of milk at home, and that her storage space at the NICU was always completely full. We had bonded a bit, and it felt good. It felt good to have someone there in the same place who understood what it was like. I had such high hopes of being able to pump like her.

Like all the other moms I saw pumping.

The mom's who produced 4+ ounces while I struggled to slurp up 10 and 20 mL with my syringe.

I was feeling okay about it though. That is, until I found out the hospital was giving him formula.

He was still unable to go to breast, so all the milk I was pumping was being given to him through an NG tube. They were giving him a specific amount of milk every three hours and I noticed after coming back from dinner one time that there was evidence of him receiving formula. I was crushed. I was mad, hurt, upset, and felt betrayed. I had just spoken with a lactation consultant the night before, who was also his nurse. She had given him a label that said he loved mother's milk - their way of noting that he should be exclusively breast milk fed. So why did someone give him formula?! I was ready to lay into whoever did this to my baby! I was furious! I confronted a nurse about it, nicely, and her response was that I wasn't making enough. I had just enough left for his feedings the last time I checked, and I had turned in more. Maybe not exactly enough, but they had it! Why didn't he get it?!

Because they upped his feeding amount. They increased how much they wanted him to be getting, and because there wasn't enough breast milk they mixed it with formula. Bring on the tears.

Not only did I feel like a failure because I birthed my baby too soon, but because on top of that I couldn't feed him.

I could not make what they wanted for him. I didn't understand why they needed to increase his feedings, every day. They wanted to stretch his little tummy out! That sounded just horrible. I hate feeling overfull, I could only imagine how my poor child felt as I watched them check to see if he had digested his last feeding, only half, and continued to push a full feeding in on top anyways. I was sick with grief, and frustration, and the feeling of not being able to save my baby from this awful policy that made no sense to me. My body was designed to produce what he needed, why wasn't it enough?!

How could I be such a horrible mother?

From that point all of his NG tube feedings were part breast milk, and part formula. However, I was finally allowed to put him to breast! I was so excited, the moment had finally come! Not only was my baby getting better, but he was getting better to the point hecould actually eat!

Preparing to breast feed for the first time

I was terrified.

I always had a pang of fear each time I held my son. He was connected to so many things. Electrodes, monitors, his CPAP machine, and two umbilical IV lines. Time and time again I had been told to be so careful of them, because if they tore out the risk of him bleeding out and dying was very severe. Thankfully they had been removed, but that didn't stop me from being terrified.

What if he still couldn't breathe well enough to eat at the same time?

What if he choked?

What if he didn't know how?

What if I didn't know how?


With the supervision of Turtle-Love's nurse, who was also a lactation consultant, and the support of Turtle-Love's other nurse, Toad, and my sister, I put him to breast. It took a moment, but he latched! And well!

It was so sweet to finally get to feed my son, they way I had always known I would!

The lactation consultant was so pleased with our form, and they way we fit perfectly together and how good his latch was, she called the other two consultants and told them they needed to see this.

I felt relieved, so relieved and happy. Finally, I felt like I was doing something right as his mother!

The long awaited moment

We started breastfeeding at every feeding we were there for the next day. We had trouble with him snuggling up and falling asleep after a few good moments of nursing. I would feed him, and cuddle him, and hand him off to Daddy for cuddles. Then I would pump, wash, sterilize, dry. Every three hours I spent two hours nursing and pumping. At his midnight weigh in though, he had lost weight.

What? How did this happen? I was immediately told I was not producing enough and that we needed to give him bottles. Bottles? What about nipple confusion? What about him being exclusively breast fed? I thought we were doing so well! Everyone seemed so pleased with our progress, what happened?

I put my foot down. I wanted him exclusively breastfed.

They made arrangements for us to stay the night with him, now that he wasn't on any machines or oxygen, we could stay with him. We could stay in the family suite in the NICU so that I could continue to breast feed through the night. I was so relieved, and yet terrified.

We were going to spend the night with our son for the very first time.

We did well nursing through the night. I thought he was doing a great job latching - but I had never been able to feel let down, or feel milk come out, I could only feel him suckling. He was a very content little boy, hanging out with Mommy all night and the next day.

Turtle-Love's first bottle

At his next weigh in he had gained weight, but they still weren't happy. We were told we had to give him a bottle after every nursing session because I wasn't pumping enough they said I wasn't making enough milk - so be it formula or breast milk he had to get something after every feed, in a bottle.

Even with pumping after every nursing session, I had only pumped enough milk to make two supplements. The lactation consultants didn't see anything wrong with how I was pumping, or how he was nursing. Everything seemed fine - it just wasn't enough.

If we exclusively breastfed, he could lose weight or not gain and he couldn't come home until he gained more weight.
Our choices were to leave him in the NICU longer, while we waited for my milk to hopefully come in and for him to start gaining, or to give him the supplements and help him gain faster so he could come home.

We chose the supplements. I wanted my baby home. Coming home meant he was okay, really and truly okay. My thought had been, we would supplement at the hospital like they wanted, but once we got home and he was doing well we would just breast feed. The next night our son graduated from the NICU, and we brought him home.

After bath time

I continued to nurse him every three hours like we had been, once we got home. However, We were sleeping 5-6 hours at night. I also continued pumping after each session, and putting the milk into the freezer. Most of the time I was still able to collect it in syringes, and in the mornings I would pump one side while he fed the other and went back to sleep which gave me just enough to be too much for a 10 mL syringe most days, and a little more than that on occasion.

His weight check reveled that he wasn't gaining enough weight in their opinion, so we were back to supplementing. One ounce after each day time nursing session. I hated it. I was furious and didn't think it was necessary. Gaining was gaining! But I didn't want to not give him the supplement and for him to not grow.
I quickly ran out of breast milk and gave in to giving him half formula for the supplements, he had already gotten the formula in the hospital so it just didn't seem to matter as much anymore. I was too exhausted to be bothered with pumping after every session anymore. It was too much work to nurse, pump, label, store, wash, sterilize. By the time I was done with all that, assuming my son allowed me to do much of anything, it seemed like it was time to nurse again. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't getting anything after he ate, what was the point? All that work for no pay off, I wanted to enjoy my baby. Where was my blissful motherhood?

So I continued to pump just in the mornings. His supplements became more and more formula, and less and less breast milk.

Turtle-Love had been nursing every 90 minutes, if not sooner, and continued to do so. I was told he nursed too often, and to space him out. How was I supposed to do that? If he was hungry, I put him to breast. End of story. I was supposed to skip a nursing session? But that would mean my supply could go down because it wasn't being demanded... This was the opposite of the advice I had received elsewhere which was to let him nurse on demand. What was I supposed to do?

Nothing was ever good enough.

I felt like the people closest to me were undermining me. Giving my son bottles every chance they had. I felt like everyone tried to 'fatten up' my perfect little baby. I constantly felt like what I could provide him wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough. But I never gave up. I didn't let it keep me down. The lactation consultant I spoke with, the doctors I talked to, my family members... no one believed I was, or could, produce enough milk for my son. I was it. I was the only person in my corner.

I was practically willing my supply to be there.

To be enough. I hoped, and I hoped, and I hoped.

I even bought a digital scale. I would weigh him before and after most feeds. I even did it before and after his supplements - to prove it worked. The issue became I couldn't account for his output. If he peed while he was nursing, the weight comparison would be off and I didn't have the brain power at the time to calculate for absorption or to Google whether or not a diaper would weigh specifically the amount output more, or if there was some type of exchange. The math and the attempt to keep records of every weigh in before and after every feed got to me, and I stopped obsessing. Well, I stopped doing it every day. The numbers were proving nothing in either direction - only causing me frustration.

Nursing to sleep

After a couple months of this, we were finally able to stop supplements. The day our pediatrician was happy with his weight gain was a fantastic one. I felt so relieved. I could relax. I didn't need to stress, and weigh, and worry, and count. His pediatrician was content with his growth rate, he was small and grew a little slower but very steadily.

At the office with Mommy =)

I returned to work at my office (I had been working from home)around that same time. I was unable to pump what he needed while I was at work. I was only getting between 1 and 2 ounces at a time, every 2 hours - I only work 6 hour days. Turtle-Love was eating 4 ounces two, sometimes three times while I was at work. He nursed both sides in the mornings and all through the night so pumping in the morning wasn't an option anymore, if I wanted to get anything from it. Turtle-Love had to continue to receive formula bottles on the days I didn't have enough breast milk at home for him. Which was more often than not.

Where were my magically flowing milk ducts?

Why wasn't I pumping 4+ ounces at a time?

I spoke with the lactation consultant at the pediatricians office. She recommended I pump less often. Every three hours, instead of every two. It sounded far fetched, but I tried it.

I was no milk spewing fountain, but I found what worked.

I finally figured out I had to pump for 30 minutes not 15 and I had to pump every 3-4 hours not every 2 in order to get a decent volume.

I was finally pumping almost 4 ounces.

I was almost like the milk goddesses I had seen.

The trouble is - almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I was only able to pump once or twice at work, getting around 5 ounces for the day. My son had started eating 5 ounces per bottle, two or three times while I was gone.

I just accepted it. It was hard to swallow - but I was tired of fighting my body. I was tired of worrying, of counting, measuring, stressing. We were breastfeeding. If I was home, he was breastfed. That had to be good enough, because that was all that I could do.

I had to learn to let that be good enough.

Eventually we fell into a routine. Breast milk bottle in the morning after I leave for work (he wakes up 10 minutes after I leave, no matter what time I leave) and I would pump an hour after arriving. If it was a day I took him to the sitter (or brought the sitter to him) when my mom left for work, I would nurse him before heading back. He would usually take a bottle before I made it home, and I'm so very lucky that my sitter(and friend) is amazing. Sometimes Turtle-Love takes 2 bottles before I get home, but others If I didn't need to take him to the sitter (or the sitter to him) because Daddy was home, or one of his aunt's were visiting - of course I would stay at work and pump.

I need to mention how much I love my job. They have been so supportive of my adventure into motherhood - I was able to work from home until Turtle-Love was 6 months old. Then my office mate was kind enough to let me pump at my desk =) Much love to you! Of course, she is a very unique person - not the slightest bit squeamish, never bothered about me pumping or feeding at work. She pretty much rocks anyways. I've even been lucky enough to be able to bring Turtle-Love in to the office if needed. In fact, his pack n play (all though rarely used) has a special spot in our office. Of course there is also the fact that everyone who works here likes his little smiling face and high spirit =)

All smiles

The hospital grade double electric pump I was provided through WIC had to be returned at his one year appointment. I haven't pumped in a whole month. On the one hand it feels great to be rid of that beast. On the other, my boobs really hurt by the time I get off. Especially if I didn't get to see him mid day.

Turtle-Love still breastfeeds. As a matter of fact, he is quite in love with 'the boobie' and any excuse to latch. I'm very happy we are continuing to breastfeed, and I have enjoyed almost every moment of almost every feeding(I don't know of anyone who enjoys being bitten when teeth come in - yeeouch!). I feel that we will be continuing to nurse for at least a few more months, maybe longer - I'll continue to nurse him until he weans himself. He does still take a bottle of formula in the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon with the sitter as well. He does eat 'real food' and has breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks as well. We will probably wean him off of the formula this month, now that he is a year old, as well as a year adjusted.

An adjusted age is used when a baby is born prematurely. The adjusted age date is your due date. When you have a child born prematurely their birthdate is their real age of course. However, many doctors will use their adjusted age when looking at growth and development because preemies have to continue to develop outside the womb. So while Turtle-Love is now 13 months old, when we look at his height/weight/growth/development we are comparing to 12 month olds, because he was born a month early. I hope that isn't too confusing!

So - has breast feeding gone successfully? Well, yes.

Climbing 'Mount Boobie' before bed

I feel like so much emphasis is put on exclusively breast feeding. At least, the articles and blogs I come across are geared this way. Exclusively breastfeeding is great! However, it took me a long, long, long time to accept that I was doing the best I could. That I am doing the best I can.

That we have and are continuing to successfully breast feed.

We have been able to breast feed, even if not exclusively, for thirteen whole months. I find this to be a wonderful accomplishment and I am very happy to say that I no longer feel guilty, or like a failure, because I could not produce enough.

I can and do produce enough. Enough to help. Enough to make a difference. Enough to give him as much as I can.

I also love that my son has been able to teach me just a little bit about expectations, and what I can do with them =) However, I'll subscribe to hope, any and pretty much every day.

Now you can scroll through a couple more pictures from the past 13 months of us breastfeeding. Including at the March of Dimes March for Babies, while out for ice cream, and at our wedding!

Strolling around town eating ice cream
(and a milk shake?)

Walking through downtown while nursing
during the March for Babies

Yes, that is the ceiling. Because he likes to push me over
and walk around my head. While nursing.

'The boobie dance'

Nursing break during our wedding

Yes, we are nursing while in my wedding gown at my wedding
(Yes, I and all my bridesmaids wore Chuck Taylors)

Nursing at the office just before the holidays

Trying out for the Nursing Olympics: Lap Exercises

While writing some of this blog post

The new Mr and Mrs

We got married! That's right! We did it! And with minimal stress and oops moments lol.
Well, kinda.

I'm not going to go into all of the details about the wedding. I'm just too busy at work for all that. I'll post pictures once I get them from the photographer - who by the way was amazing!

Anyhow - In celebration of our newly joined lives together I'm taking this blog by storm. We are getting an overhaul over here - and a commitment to more posts! Be on the lookout for changes - change is good!

Speaking of change...

I'm sure many of you have heard about the OCCUPY events that are going on - all the (hopefully) peaceful demonstrations and such springing up all over the nation inspired by OCCUPY WALL STREET.
We have an OCCUPY event here locally as well - and a friend of mine worked it out so that local moms and dads could bring their kids to the demonstration and support the cause. Obviously with small children (most of us) are not willing to tent overnight in the park indefinitely or at all - but we have a scheduled time for all of us to meet and experience the movement with our children and show our support. Toad and I are taking Turtle-Love to the demonstration later today. I'm excited! My first demonstration/protest! I need to remember to pack snacks and water, the ergo and toys, and warm clothes to bundle us in. Maybe some onesies and t-shirts so we can get in on some activist fun!

Updating on turtle-love & wedding stuff!

It has been a while since my last post. Uhh. I apologize, it seems my head is all over the place these days.

Turtle-Love

My baby is 6 months old! Actually, he is now 6 1/2 months old =/ On the 14th he weighed in at 12 pounds 1 ounce, and 24 1/2 inches tall. The doctor was pleased with his weight gain, and said he is hitting all the milestones expected of him - sitting up on his own for a few minutes, pushing up onto his hands from his tummy, bearing weight on his legs... etc. We got the okay to start solids too =)

Turtle-Love's first food was rice cereal. We did that for a week, and last night gave him peas. He loved them! He is also getting better with his sippy cup, though he only holds it on his own sometimes. He does try to feed himself with the spoon constantly and does an okay job =) We put water in his sippy cup btw.

Turtle-Love recently acquired a walker and a jumparoo from my cousin. He LOVES them! He hasn't quite figured out jumping yet, but he loves to chew on the teething sunshine and has just learned to push the buttons on the piano, though possibly on accident most times. The jumparoo has all kinda of goodies for him to play with that he loves. The walker has a tray with animals that make noise on it - and he loves them! He instantly lunged for the lion on the tray that says "RAAR!" when you hit him and he likes to chew on his fabric mane =) The other day he learned to actually walk in the walker and now you have to watch your toes in the kitchen (where the walker stays because its not carpet). He even got stuck on the fridge and wiggled free =)

Turtle-Love has also figured out reaching for people to pick him up, and readily identifies different faces and voices. We recently got the Baby Signing Time Sign and Read edition (my soon to be MIL agreed to chip in for it, along with a good friend of mine) from Baby Steals and we plan to start that in the next couple days. I've already been signing the alphabet to him when we sing it, and I sign milk and mommy and daddy when I recall to - or have my hands free.

Turtle-Love will be getting baptized (I'm Catholic) on July 30th. We've ordered the invitations and his gown and received both. After the 1st on the month I'll mail the invitations. I'm worried his gown will still be too big =/ We will see I guess.

On the wedding front...

I love that I'm getting married. And I'm doing my best to plan, and pay for, a wedding that we actually want. Of course, this would be much easier if our money wasn't already so tight. I'm also starting to resent our wedding because if I didn't have to pay for our wedding, I could quit my job and stay home with Turtle-Love - because we live with my mother. Now that I'm back in the office, living with my mother longer and staying home with my son is sounding more awesome than us buying a house. Anyhow, I've gotten off track.

I'm still trying to get an officiant, and we are still working on centerpiece ideas and I'm talking to a few florists for bouquets. Of course - trying to go with the most cost effective solution. I had thought I could make the bridesmaids bouquets and the groomsmen's boutonnieres but the reality is I don't have the fridge space, and will most likely not have the time to make them. I may still do the boutonnieres, they are fairly simple. Maybe I'll do fake flowers so I can make them all. I'm still not certain.I do know I'll be purchasing my bouquet, and it will be real. Is that selfish? I feel like it might be selfish... *sigh*

I'm also looking into bakers. I do NOT want to bake my own wedding cake, and I would prefer if my sister and mother did not have to either. Not to mention, I've only done a 2 tiered cake before which went well enough, and a mini three tier that was a bit wobbly.

Oops, gotta go get back to work. Hopefully I can remember to post again tomorrow!

Baby, work, wedding...

Just a few topics I wanted to write about briefly while Turtle-Love naps...

Nursing to sleep. Does anyone else pretty much HAVE to nurse their child to sleep?? Turtle-Love refuses to sleep for me without the boobie. He was refusing to sleep without me holding him, but we are working on that and doing pretty well. I'm thinking that was just a phase. However, nursing to sleep does NOT seem to be a phase. It doesn't matter how tired he is - he will NOT go to sleep with out the boobie. Unless I'm not home. Not just in the other room, but actually gone. Then apparently he will go to sleep. And SOMETIMES in his car seat, if he is stuffed to the gills.

TV time What is your policy on TV time for your infant? Sure, Turtle-Love has inadvertantly watched some NCIS with me, but today I actually decided to put him in his bouncey seat with a Baby Einstein video. He is about 24 weeks old. Bad? Okay? Good? Who knows. I guess as far as TV goes, Baby Einstein is definitely the lesser of the evils. He was a good distance away from the screen. The video was Meet the Orchestra and he really seemed to enjoy it - complimented by grunts and babble =)

Starting solids Attention preemie moms but of course I would love feedback from everyone. What is your view on solids? Did you do purees? How old was your baby when you started? Preemie moms: did you wait til your child reached the appropriate adjusted age, or actual age? I'm having a bit of an internal battle with this. Turtle-Love will be 6 months in 2 weeks. He is sitting supported and has some moments of balancing upright on his own. He salivates at the table when we eat and stares hardcore at food. We have been letting him hold breads for a couple weeks but he wasn't interested in putting them in his mouth. I've spoon feed him formula supplements a couple times to see how he does with the spoon, btw he loves it and grunts and whines if I'm not fast enough. The past three times we have handed him a bread item (a biscuit, a pizza crust, a cracker) he has put them in has mouth - I made it a game and took it from him before he could ingest anything. The last thing we gave him was a cracker 2 days ago - he slobbered on it and broke a piece off. I was terrified at first, and then watched him chew it! I made it a game again, and fished it out lol. He thought it was funny. Originally, I wanted to wait until his 6 month appointment to see what the doctor said about starting him on solids - mainly because he is a preemie and I worry about his digestive system being ready. He has given me tons of signs he is ready though. I'm just not sure. I know I'd like to make my own baby food when we get to that point.

Working & babysitters I've been working from home since January. I had asked my company to let me work from home for at least 6 months, and that mark is coming up. In addition to that, one of our employees turned in her 2 week notice. So my boss has asked that I come back to the office. s2bDH has an off the wall schedule that revolves around events at the university for his "day job" and events at local music scenes for his security job. We can't count on his paycheck or his hours more than a week at a time because we never know what the schedule will be for either job. He is about ti hit a slow point in his day job, and my sister will be up for about 2 weeks so they will be home with Turtle-Love through mid June at the least. I'm now having to decide is paying for a daycare or a sitter, which is about half my take home based on the prices I've seen, is worth my job. Obviously we need the money, but if I'm putting out everything I take in AND losing time with my son, I'm just having a hard time accepting it. If we go with a daycare, or can't find a sitter that will use cloth diapers and handle breast milk (assuming I can keep my supply up) we will also have the added costs of disposable diapers and formula. I love my job, honestly I do, but this is difficult. I don't even know where to begin on choosing a place/person to care for my son.

Wedding We are less than 5 months from our wedding! Yikes! We are certainly pinching pennies right now to make sure we can save enough to cover all of our costs, but this added expense for day care is going to injure our bottom line for the wedding. I've already signed some deposits and contracts and such so we are in it regardless, its just a matter of coming up with it all, as we are hosting our wedding.

It's been a while

I know it has been a long time since my last update. Life has just been crazy. When is it not? Anyhow - this is an updated to-do-list for the wedding, which btw is in 5 months (from yesterday) O.o Where has the time gone?!

Ceremony site Booked!
Reception site Booked!
Officiant Yeah... we are still trying to pick one =/ I'm making this my goal for the night.
Wedding Dress Picked out, paid for, and at my dad's. Need to make an appointment for alterations and lose some dang weight!
Tux/Suit We know what we want, and its down to 2 places to get it. We haven't decided if we will rent tuxes, or buy suits.
Bridesmaids' dresses Just need one more girl to order her dress =)
Groomsmen's tuxes/suits See above @Tux/suit
Flower girls' dresses Need to take Tony's cousin to order hers. Prob pay for it too =/ Oh well. My sister just ordered my niece's dress =)
Ring bearer's tux/suit Not making any decisions about this until we decide on the men's. I have a lady on Etsy that makes adorable vest &tie combos for little boys and fedoras too lol (Wise guy clothing)
Photographer Met with him Saturday and he is pretty cool =) Just have to sign the contract and send the deposit
Save the Dates We designed them - then realized they needed to be sent last month. Oops. Guess we will skip the save the dates. =/
Invitations Working on finishing up the wording and design. Hope to get them ordered in the next few days so I have time to get them here and addressed before they go out in 2 months.
RSVP Cards Ditto - but they will be post cards =)
Flower girls' basket Yeah - I kinda wanna make my own... idk.
Ring bearer's pillow/block I have some ideas but nothing concrete. Again, I kinda wanna make my own...
Also need to get a wagon to pull Cooper in...
DJ Haven't even looked for one yet... kinda need to do that soon
Food Just have to finalize the menu by mid-August
Cake Well, we need to get on this. We don't know what we want... but we've picked out our topper! Still have to bu it tho...
FloristNeed to get on the ball...
Programs Not yet
Place cards I know what I want to do and its related to the centerpieces
Centerpieces Gotta find and order what I want, and decide how to dress it up
Favors I know what I'm doing - just bargain shopping to find the pieces as cheap as I can
Decorations I'm sooo lost on this. We are doing a wish tree instead of a guest book (which I still need to buy) so I know this will be part of the decorations. But that's all I've got =/

*sigh* wish I could afford a wedding planner

Crazy busy + 4 months old... really?!

I apologize for not writing very often. Between planning the wedding and school work, on top of my normal routines with work and Turtle-Love, my schedule has just been packed with things to get done. I finally have a moment of time where I can collect my thoughts!

The wedding date is official! We signed the contract and paid the deposit for our venue... October 15th, 2011 here we come! Some decisions have been made with the help of my birdesmaids, mainly my maid of honor aka my little sister, and of course Toad. We have chosen our favors, centerpieces, and have an idea for the guestbook. I'm still trying to figure out other decorations, flowers, the menu, all the paper products... well pretty much everything else lol.

Turtle-Love! Oh man... he is 4 months old today! I weighed him this morning (we have a baby scale) and he was 9lbs 7oz! He is getting so big, only 3 or so of his newborn outfits fit him, and he is filling out some of his 0-3 stuff really well. He is kicking and reaching and is becoming interested in his toys. He loves his links! He eats all the time and enjoys sucking on his fists, my arm, gramma's shoulder... He is a super drooley boy these days, I'm convinced he has started the teething process! He is officiaally out of newborn sposies btw... on to size 1's for night-time and when Auntie has him. She refuses to retain the information about cloth diapers yet. I'll get her though... she will be here this Thursday and I think is going to watch him while I'm in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) class.

Have I mentioned I'm in "church school" too? I'm taking RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) classes so I can be confirmed. I was raised in the Catholic church as a child, but I was never confirmed. I'm taking classes now for adult confirmation. We are scheduling Turtle-Love to be baptised in July.

This past Saturday Toad and I went on our first "date" since we had Turtle-Love. He took me to see Cirque du Soleil!! Ahhh! Dream come true! I've always wanted to see Cirque du Soleil! I love them! And the show was AMAZING. It was Allegria, ah it was just so wonderful! Toad even bought me a t-shirt and then we went to dinner. The date night was a lot of fun, but I missed my little Turtle-Love a ton.... and so did my boobs... hah! I was excited I had pumped enough for one feeding and it was in the freezer for this occasion - he took 4 ounces!

I stopped pumping about 2 weeks ago. I just felt like I needed a break from all the worry of it. I pumped Saturday when we got home because I was engorged and Turtle-Love only ate off one side before he was full. I managed to pump 2 ounces out of my "bad" side! Woo! That is a record for me lol. I'm going to try to start pumping in the mornings again once we get our morning schedule back on track. I like having a few feedings in the freezer for just in case. Now that he eats 4oz instead of 2 it is going to take me a while to stock up.

School is going well. I'm going to take it easy with school until after the wedding and Turtle-Love's first birthday.  Sure. I could keep going and hit school hardcore. I'm plenty capable. But I wouldn't enjoy it. I really like school. I want to enjoy my education. I also want to enjoy planning my wedding and all Turtle-Love's firsts. So, I haven't decided what I'm doing with school for the summer semester, but I'm not going to take classes this fall I think. Maybe I will, but as of right now I don't think so.

Well, I've got an hour left of work and then I think Turtle-Love and I will go enjoy his birthday =)

Dum dum dum-dum

Since I'm writing this right before bed, and we are about to lose an hour to daylight savings time... I'm going to try to make this quick...

We booked a venue for our wedding! We set the date in stone - Oct 15th this year - and chose a local hotel for the ceremony and reception. I had said I really did not want a hotel wedding, but this hotel has floor to ceiling windows for their ballroom and an outdoor terrace for our ceremony. Its really pretty not to mention they are within our itty bitty budget! Did I mention we are paying for our wedding? Yep. Just us. Its okay though - we chose not to ask anyone for help with this. I'm not one to ask for money in the first place, but also - I don't see why we should ask for someone to pay for the things we want. If I want something done my way, well I'm damn sure going to be the one paying for it. I don't want to be someone elses burden.
ANYHOW... we booked our location, they also cater and provide all the tables and chairs and such. I've already picked out and mostly paid for my dress (its on layway hahahaha) and the bridesmaids dresses have been chosen, along with the flower girls dresses and the groomsmen and grooms tuxes. Things left to do for the wedding....

• Turtle-Loves ring bearer tux
• Florist/flowers
• DJ
• Cake
• Photographer(s)
• Register somewhere
• Party gifts
• miscellaneous details

Well the list didn't seem that long before I wrote it. Eh. I feel much better about it all now that I've got SOMETHING taken care of. Oh right, and save the date cards and invitations. I want to get our save the date cards ordered this week.

So something that I'm struggling with regarding the wedding is other people's opinions. I know I know... they really don't matter, and I shouldn't care what other people think. But to an certain extent I guess I do. Or maybe, I guess it just bothers me people wont get over themselves and understand this day is for us - they are being invited to come celebrate WITH us. This is not a show to impress them. So - I'm just trying to keep that in mind when I listen to everyones opinion and their advice. I know that our wedding will be perfect because its being put together for us by us to be everything we want it to be. I'm hoping the end result will represent us well - both as individuals and as a couple.

Moving along...

I got another diaper in the mail today xD I'm so excited! I got it on eBay for way cheap and its comprable to the GoGreen Pocket Diaper Champ - at least that is what the boards say... I have yet to own a Champ, or even see one. Anyhow - this diaper is super exciting! I can't wait to get it washed and use it! PS- the Mommy's touch diapers may be a little too big for now, but the Lil Joeys fit great! I'm going to start reviewing this weekish I hope.

I'm supposed to not buy anymore "fluff" for the time being. Really, we have about two days worth of cloth because Turtle-Love still sleeps in sposies. That will change once we get more used to them. Really, its once Toad gets used to them because he does the middle of the night changes. Regardless, the point - or at least one of my major selling points - of cloth diapering is to save money. I can't very well claim that if I buy every diaper I think is cute. FOr now, we have enough diapers. I'm going to keep my eye out for super good deals though. I did just purchase two wet bags and two pail liners from GoGreen Pocket Diapers. I think they are the best price I've found!

Well - its getting late and in about 45 minutes when daylight savings time kicks in it will only be later so we are off to bed to try and get Mr. Turtle-Love to actually sleep. He likes to play when we lay down =D

I love this little boy!