Our breast feeding journey thus far

**NOTE: This post contains pictures of breast feeding.

Today we are celebrating 13 months of breastfeeding.

Ugh, rewind please. I thought your son turned 13 months old on the 5th?
Oh. Right. Well, We weren't able to breastfeed until day 5. So, today we celebrate.

Hooray!

Before I ever even considered the thought of pregnancy, I knew I would breast feed. My mother breast fed, her mother breast fed, breast feeding was the way to go. Of course babies drank out of bottles and had formula sometimes, but I would breastfeed.

In April 2010 we found out we were pregnant with our surprise baby. I started reading and researching and doing everything I could to educate my self on as much as possible. All of this made me more determined to breast feed. I would be successful, because my mother was, and her mother was, and

I had no reason to believe I wouldn't be able to exclusively breastfeed.

I also had no reason to believe I would deliver my child, 5 weeks premature.

When Turtle-Love was born, at 35 weeks 3 days gestation, I was too busy contracting and wondering if my baby was going to be okay to even think about when we could start breast feeding. We got to spend about a minute with him after his birth when he hiccuped and his color changed. I notified the nurse immediately, they had thought we would get 30 minutes with him before he needed to go to the nursery, but that didn't happen. They rushed him off to help him breathe. Little Turtle-Love was under an oxy-hood in the nursery for that day and the next, and was then transported to the NICU at another hospital and placed on a CPAP.

What does any of that have to do with breastfeeding? For us, everything.

Since Turtle-Love couldn't really breathe on his own efficiently and without serious effort and strain on his body, he obviously couldn't nurse. They waited a whole day to see if he would be able to go to breast, which he couldn't, before deciding I should be pumping. I was provided a hospital grade pump on loan at the hospital, which was replaced later that day by the one WIC gave me. The lactation consultant I met with at our birthing hospital was great - and I left there feeling good about pumping. She was impressed I was expressing so quickly, and because my milk "sprayed". I felt like I would be the milk producing champ I had always thought I would be, like my mother. (To this day I bet she could express milk, and her children are in their 20's!)

I spent 4 days exclusively pumping, getting a few mLs here, and a couple mLs there. The lactation consultant had given me a syringe with a tube attached so I could suck up every little drop in the flanges etc. That stuff is liquid gold, you know. I was thankful the NICU had pumps there for me to use, so I only had to cart my horns and flanges and tubes and a sterilizing bag around, (only?!) and not the pump too (oh right, that thing is big and clunky!). They even had a mother's room with comfortable chairs, snacks, juice, and a TV. Every three hours, or as close to it as I could get, I spent 15-20 minutes holding my pump horns up to my breasts and pumping. I don't even know how long I spent after words washing, sterilizing, and drying all of the parts, labeling each syringe containing colostrum with Turtle-Love's personalized little medical stickers, and hand writing a date and time. It seemed like I would spend a whole hour in the pumping room, between setting up, pumping, and cleaning up. Sometimes it actually took longer. It was awkward to be pumping in front of other women at times, and I didn't know what to expect. I would see other moms come in to pump. Some NICU mommas, some nurses with babies at home. Everyone was there for the same purpose, doing the same thing.

And everyone was expressing more milk than I knew could be made.

One mother I met in the mother's room was pumping for her daughter, who was now 3 months old(if I remember correctly) and still in the NICU. She had been born very early, and her twin sister had not survived. My heart ached for her when she told me her story. She was in pumping for her daughter as often as I was for my son. She regularly pumped 4+ ounces at a time! She told me she had an entire freezer full of milk at home, and that her storage space at the NICU was always completely full. We had bonded a bit, and it felt good. It felt good to have someone there in the same place who understood what it was like. I had such high hopes of being able to pump like her.

Like all the other moms I saw pumping.

The mom's who produced 4+ ounces while I struggled to slurp up 10 and 20 mL with my syringe.

I was feeling okay about it though. That is, until I found out the hospital was giving him formula.

He was still unable to go to breast, so all the milk I was pumping was being given to him through an NG tube. They were giving him a specific amount of milk every three hours and I noticed after coming back from dinner one time that there was evidence of him receiving formula. I was crushed. I was mad, hurt, upset, and felt betrayed. I had just spoken with a lactation consultant the night before, who was also his nurse. She had given him a label that said he loved mother's milk - their way of noting that he should be exclusively breast milk fed. So why did someone give him formula?! I was ready to lay into whoever did this to my baby! I was furious! I confronted a nurse about it, nicely, and her response was that I wasn't making enough. I had just enough left for his feedings the last time I checked, and I had turned in more. Maybe not exactly enough, but they had it! Why didn't he get it?!

Because they upped his feeding amount. They increased how much they wanted him to be getting, and because there wasn't enough breast milk they mixed it with formula. Bring on the tears.

Not only did I feel like a failure because I birthed my baby too soon, but because on top of that I couldn't feed him.

I could not make what they wanted for him. I didn't understand why they needed to increase his feedings, every day. They wanted to stretch his little tummy out! That sounded just horrible. I hate feeling overfull, I could only imagine how my poor child felt as I watched them check to see if he had digested his last feeding, only half, and continued to push a full feeding in on top anyways. I was sick with grief, and frustration, and the feeling of not being able to save my baby from this awful policy that made no sense to me. My body was designed to produce what he needed, why wasn't it enough?!

How could I be such a horrible mother?

From that point all of his NG tube feedings were part breast milk, and part formula. However, I was finally allowed to put him to breast! I was so excited, the moment had finally come! Not only was my baby getting better, but he was getting better to the point hecould actually eat!

Preparing to breast feed for the first time

I was terrified.

I always had a pang of fear each time I held my son. He was connected to so many things. Electrodes, monitors, his CPAP machine, and two umbilical IV lines. Time and time again I had been told to be so careful of them, because if they tore out the risk of him bleeding out and dying was very severe. Thankfully they had been removed, but that didn't stop me from being terrified.

What if he still couldn't breathe well enough to eat at the same time?

What if he choked?

What if he didn't know how?

What if I didn't know how?


With the supervision of Turtle-Love's nurse, who was also a lactation consultant, and the support of Turtle-Love's other nurse, Toad, and my sister, I put him to breast. It took a moment, but he latched! And well!

It was so sweet to finally get to feed my son, they way I had always known I would!

The lactation consultant was so pleased with our form, and they way we fit perfectly together and how good his latch was, she called the other two consultants and told them they needed to see this.

I felt relieved, so relieved and happy. Finally, I felt like I was doing something right as his mother!

The long awaited moment

We started breastfeeding at every feeding we were there for the next day. We had trouble with him snuggling up and falling asleep after a few good moments of nursing. I would feed him, and cuddle him, and hand him off to Daddy for cuddles. Then I would pump, wash, sterilize, dry. Every three hours I spent two hours nursing and pumping. At his midnight weigh in though, he had lost weight.

What? How did this happen? I was immediately told I was not producing enough and that we needed to give him bottles. Bottles? What about nipple confusion? What about him being exclusively breast fed? I thought we were doing so well! Everyone seemed so pleased with our progress, what happened?

I put my foot down. I wanted him exclusively breastfed.

They made arrangements for us to stay the night with him, now that he wasn't on any machines or oxygen, we could stay with him. We could stay in the family suite in the NICU so that I could continue to breast feed through the night. I was so relieved, and yet terrified.

We were going to spend the night with our son for the very first time.

We did well nursing through the night. I thought he was doing a great job latching - but I had never been able to feel let down, or feel milk come out, I could only feel him suckling. He was a very content little boy, hanging out with Mommy all night and the next day.

Turtle-Love's first bottle

At his next weigh in he had gained weight, but they still weren't happy. We were told we had to give him a bottle after every nursing session because I wasn't pumping enough they said I wasn't making enough milk - so be it formula or breast milk he had to get something after every feed, in a bottle.

Even with pumping after every nursing session, I had only pumped enough milk to make two supplements. The lactation consultants didn't see anything wrong with how I was pumping, or how he was nursing. Everything seemed fine - it just wasn't enough.

If we exclusively breastfed, he could lose weight or not gain and he couldn't come home until he gained more weight.
Our choices were to leave him in the NICU longer, while we waited for my milk to hopefully come in and for him to start gaining, or to give him the supplements and help him gain faster so he could come home.

We chose the supplements. I wanted my baby home. Coming home meant he was okay, really and truly okay. My thought had been, we would supplement at the hospital like they wanted, but once we got home and he was doing well we would just breast feed. The next night our son graduated from the NICU, and we brought him home.

After bath time

I continued to nurse him every three hours like we had been, once we got home. However, We were sleeping 5-6 hours at night. I also continued pumping after each session, and putting the milk into the freezer. Most of the time I was still able to collect it in syringes, and in the mornings I would pump one side while he fed the other and went back to sleep which gave me just enough to be too much for a 10 mL syringe most days, and a little more than that on occasion.

His weight check reveled that he wasn't gaining enough weight in their opinion, so we were back to supplementing. One ounce after each day time nursing session. I hated it. I was furious and didn't think it was necessary. Gaining was gaining! But I didn't want to not give him the supplement and for him to not grow.
I quickly ran out of breast milk and gave in to giving him half formula for the supplements, he had already gotten the formula in the hospital so it just didn't seem to matter as much anymore. I was too exhausted to be bothered with pumping after every session anymore. It was too much work to nurse, pump, label, store, wash, sterilize. By the time I was done with all that, assuming my son allowed me to do much of anything, it seemed like it was time to nurse again. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't getting anything after he ate, what was the point? All that work for no pay off, I wanted to enjoy my baby. Where was my blissful motherhood?

So I continued to pump just in the mornings. His supplements became more and more formula, and less and less breast milk.

Turtle-Love had been nursing every 90 minutes, if not sooner, and continued to do so. I was told he nursed too often, and to space him out. How was I supposed to do that? If he was hungry, I put him to breast. End of story. I was supposed to skip a nursing session? But that would mean my supply could go down because it wasn't being demanded... This was the opposite of the advice I had received elsewhere which was to let him nurse on demand. What was I supposed to do?

Nothing was ever good enough.

I felt like the people closest to me were undermining me. Giving my son bottles every chance they had. I felt like everyone tried to 'fatten up' my perfect little baby. I constantly felt like what I could provide him wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough. But I never gave up. I didn't let it keep me down. The lactation consultant I spoke with, the doctors I talked to, my family members... no one believed I was, or could, produce enough milk for my son. I was it. I was the only person in my corner.

I was practically willing my supply to be there.

To be enough. I hoped, and I hoped, and I hoped.

I even bought a digital scale. I would weigh him before and after most feeds. I even did it before and after his supplements - to prove it worked. The issue became I couldn't account for his output. If he peed while he was nursing, the weight comparison would be off and I didn't have the brain power at the time to calculate for absorption or to Google whether or not a diaper would weigh specifically the amount output more, or if there was some type of exchange. The math and the attempt to keep records of every weigh in before and after every feed got to me, and I stopped obsessing. Well, I stopped doing it every day. The numbers were proving nothing in either direction - only causing me frustration.

Nursing to sleep

After a couple months of this, we were finally able to stop supplements. The day our pediatrician was happy with his weight gain was a fantastic one. I felt so relieved. I could relax. I didn't need to stress, and weigh, and worry, and count. His pediatrician was content with his growth rate, he was small and grew a little slower but very steadily.

At the office with Mommy =)

I returned to work at my office (I had been working from home)around that same time. I was unable to pump what he needed while I was at work. I was only getting between 1 and 2 ounces at a time, every 2 hours - I only work 6 hour days. Turtle-Love was eating 4 ounces two, sometimes three times while I was at work. He nursed both sides in the mornings and all through the night so pumping in the morning wasn't an option anymore, if I wanted to get anything from it. Turtle-Love had to continue to receive formula bottles on the days I didn't have enough breast milk at home for him. Which was more often than not.

Where were my magically flowing milk ducts?

Why wasn't I pumping 4+ ounces at a time?

I spoke with the lactation consultant at the pediatricians office. She recommended I pump less often. Every three hours, instead of every two. It sounded far fetched, but I tried it.

I was no milk spewing fountain, but I found what worked.

I finally figured out I had to pump for 30 minutes not 15 and I had to pump every 3-4 hours not every 2 in order to get a decent volume.

I was finally pumping almost 4 ounces.

I was almost like the milk goddesses I had seen.

The trouble is - almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I was only able to pump once or twice at work, getting around 5 ounces for the day. My son had started eating 5 ounces per bottle, two or three times while I was gone.

I just accepted it. It was hard to swallow - but I was tired of fighting my body. I was tired of worrying, of counting, measuring, stressing. We were breastfeeding. If I was home, he was breastfed. That had to be good enough, because that was all that I could do.

I had to learn to let that be good enough.

Eventually we fell into a routine. Breast milk bottle in the morning after I leave for work (he wakes up 10 minutes after I leave, no matter what time I leave) and I would pump an hour after arriving. If it was a day I took him to the sitter (or brought the sitter to him) when my mom left for work, I would nurse him before heading back. He would usually take a bottle before I made it home, and I'm so very lucky that my sitter(and friend) is amazing. Sometimes Turtle-Love takes 2 bottles before I get home, but others If I didn't need to take him to the sitter (or the sitter to him) because Daddy was home, or one of his aunt's were visiting - of course I would stay at work and pump.

I need to mention how much I love my job. They have been so supportive of my adventure into motherhood - I was able to work from home until Turtle-Love was 6 months old. Then my office mate was kind enough to let me pump at my desk =) Much love to you! Of course, she is a very unique person - not the slightest bit squeamish, never bothered about me pumping or feeding at work. She pretty much rocks anyways. I've even been lucky enough to be able to bring Turtle-Love in to the office if needed. In fact, his pack n play (all though rarely used) has a special spot in our office. Of course there is also the fact that everyone who works here likes his little smiling face and high spirit =)

All smiles

The hospital grade double electric pump I was provided through WIC had to be returned at his one year appointment. I haven't pumped in a whole month. On the one hand it feels great to be rid of that beast. On the other, my boobs really hurt by the time I get off. Especially if I didn't get to see him mid day.

Turtle-Love still breastfeeds. As a matter of fact, he is quite in love with 'the boobie' and any excuse to latch. I'm very happy we are continuing to breastfeed, and I have enjoyed almost every moment of almost every feeding(I don't know of anyone who enjoys being bitten when teeth come in - yeeouch!). I feel that we will be continuing to nurse for at least a few more months, maybe longer - I'll continue to nurse him until he weans himself. He does still take a bottle of formula in the morning, and sometimes in the afternoon with the sitter as well. He does eat 'real food' and has breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks as well. We will probably wean him off of the formula this month, now that he is a year old, as well as a year adjusted.

An adjusted age is used when a baby is born prematurely. The adjusted age date is your due date. When you have a child born prematurely their birthdate is their real age of course. However, many doctors will use their adjusted age when looking at growth and development because preemies have to continue to develop outside the womb. So while Turtle-Love is now 13 months old, when we look at his height/weight/growth/development we are comparing to 12 month olds, because he was born a month early. I hope that isn't too confusing!

So - has breast feeding gone successfully? Well, yes.

Climbing 'Mount Boobie' before bed

I feel like so much emphasis is put on exclusively breast feeding. At least, the articles and blogs I come across are geared this way. Exclusively breastfeeding is great! However, it took me a long, long, long time to accept that I was doing the best I could. That I am doing the best I can.

That we have and are continuing to successfully breast feed.

We have been able to breast feed, even if not exclusively, for thirteen whole months. I find this to be a wonderful accomplishment and I am very happy to say that I no longer feel guilty, or like a failure, because I could not produce enough.

I can and do produce enough. Enough to help. Enough to make a difference. Enough to give him as much as I can.

I also love that my son has been able to teach me just a little bit about expectations, and what I can do with them =) However, I'll subscribe to hope, any and pretty much every day.

Now you can scroll through a couple more pictures from the past 13 months of us breastfeeding. Including at the March of Dimes March for Babies, while out for ice cream, and at our wedding!

Strolling around town eating ice cream
(and a milk shake?)

Walking through downtown while nursing
during the March for Babies

Yes, that is the ceiling. Because he likes to push me over
and walk around my head. While nursing.

'The boobie dance'

Nursing break during our wedding

Yes, we are nursing while in my wedding gown at my wedding
(Yes, I and all my bridesmaids wore Chuck Taylors)

Nursing at the office just before the holidays

Trying out for the Nursing Olympics: Lap Exercises

While writing some of this blog post

Baby, work, wedding...

Just a few topics I wanted to write about briefly while Turtle-Love naps...

Nursing to sleep. Does anyone else pretty much HAVE to nurse their child to sleep?? Turtle-Love refuses to sleep for me without the boobie. He was refusing to sleep without me holding him, but we are working on that and doing pretty well. I'm thinking that was just a phase. However, nursing to sleep does NOT seem to be a phase. It doesn't matter how tired he is - he will NOT go to sleep with out the boobie. Unless I'm not home. Not just in the other room, but actually gone. Then apparently he will go to sleep. And SOMETIMES in his car seat, if he is stuffed to the gills.

TV time What is your policy on TV time for your infant? Sure, Turtle-Love has inadvertantly watched some NCIS with me, but today I actually decided to put him in his bouncey seat with a Baby Einstein video. He is about 24 weeks old. Bad? Okay? Good? Who knows. I guess as far as TV goes, Baby Einstein is definitely the lesser of the evils. He was a good distance away from the screen. The video was Meet the Orchestra and he really seemed to enjoy it - complimented by grunts and babble =)

Starting solids Attention preemie moms but of course I would love feedback from everyone. What is your view on solids? Did you do purees? How old was your baby when you started? Preemie moms: did you wait til your child reached the appropriate adjusted age, or actual age? I'm having a bit of an internal battle with this. Turtle-Love will be 6 months in 2 weeks. He is sitting supported and has some moments of balancing upright on his own. He salivates at the table when we eat and stares hardcore at food. We have been letting him hold breads for a couple weeks but he wasn't interested in putting them in his mouth. I've spoon feed him formula supplements a couple times to see how he does with the spoon, btw he loves it and grunts and whines if I'm not fast enough. The past three times we have handed him a bread item (a biscuit, a pizza crust, a cracker) he has put them in has mouth - I made it a game and took it from him before he could ingest anything. The last thing we gave him was a cracker 2 days ago - he slobbered on it and broke a piece off. I was terrified at first, and then watched him chew it! I made it a game again, and fished it out lol. He thought it was funny. Originally, I wanted to wait until his 6 month appointment to see what the doctor said about starting him on solids - mainly because he is a preemie and I worry about his digestive system being ready. He has given me tons of signs he is ready though. I'm just not sure. I know I'd like to make my own baby food when we get to that point.

Working & babysitters I've been working from home since January. I had asked my company to let me work from home for at least 6 months, and that mark is coming up. In addition to that, one of our employees turned in her 2 week notice. So my boss has asked that I come back to the office. s2bDH has an off the wall schedule that revolves around events at the university for his "day job" and events at local music scenes for his security job. We can't count on his paycheck or his hours more than a week at a time because we never know what the schedule will be for either job. He is about ti hit a slow point in his day job, and my sister will be up for about 2 weeks so they will be home with Turtle-Love through mid June at the least. I'm now having to decide is paying for a daycare or a sitter, which is about half my take home based on the prices I've seen, is worth my job. Obviously we need the money, but if I'm putting out everything I take in AND losing time with my son, I'm just having a hard time accepting it. If we go with a daycare, or can't find a sitter that will use cloth diapers and handle breast milk (assuming I can keep my supply up) we will also have the added costs of disposable diapers and formula. I love my job, honestly I do, but this is difficult. I don't even know where to begin on choosing a place/person to care for my son.

Wedding We are less than 5 months from our wedding! Yikes! We are certainly pinching pennies right now to make sure we can save enough to cover all of our costs, but this added expense for day care is going to injure our bottom line for the wedding. I've already signed some deposits and contracts and such so we are in it regardless, its just a matter of coming up with it all, as we are hosting our wedding.

My child is getting BIG... I'm not a bad mom!

So.... remember last week for the review when Turtle-Love was 8lbs 14 oz?

Guess who is 9 pounds 4.5 ounces?! Oh yeah Turtle-Love!!!!!

He had finally grown in to his larger newborn stuff and smaller 0-3 stuff... now he is filling out all  the newborn stuff! Soon I'll be packing it away... *sigh*

And now...
Just a little rant.....

I brought my son into my office today. Wait - rewind.

I work from home for the same company I worked in-office for pre-birth. Today, my neighborhood is being paved so we cannot park our cars at our homes, and I have no way to get Turtle-Love to our house from our temporary parking area because we do not have an alterain stroller, and his car seat and other stuff are simply too big for my short self to carry that distance. At least, not willingly =P So - I decided to pack up my work things, and my Turtle-Love, and go to the office for the day!

We arrive at the office, and I go the long way around to my office so that the girls I work with have their chance to ooggle him. One woman actually said to me that she didn't know much at all about babies but that certainly he should be heavier than 9 pounds by 4 months. *eye roll* I said probably but he is a preemie so we've come a decent way [he was 5lbs 12oz at birth - actually big for his gestation(35wks) the doc was plesantly surprised]... this woman proceeded to get in his face when I set his car seat down, and tried to touch his face! Nuuuuhhhh! Dirty hands! She made a joke that she felt she should offer him her finger because she is used to meeting dogs... har har, not! Sorry but joking about putting your strange dirty finger in my childs mouth isn't very funny to me... maybe I've lost my sense of humor durring the birth process or somewhere along the way.... but I kinda doubt it. Either way. No thanks, see you later, a-buh-bye.

yeesh

WAHM and student... reconsidering?

As a mom (or dad) do you ever feel like all you want to do is be home with your child? If you could just work from home, go to school from home. Life would be perfect.

That is what I thought.

Except now, working from home is really hard. Between nursing, changing, supplement feeding, soothing, and otherwise carring for Turtle-Love I also have to walk the dog, remember to feed myself, find time to go to the bathroom, oh yeah - and work. Answering emails one handed is difficult but do-able. Often by the time I have an answer typed one of my coworkers has already responded. Answering customer phone calls is really difficult when your child spends 80% of your work hours 3 of those 5 days being very vocal. I know, I know. Be thankful. Thankful that my company is allowing me to work from home at all. That I am able to have the opportunity to spend the whole day with my son and still have a steady income. I am! I am very greatful for the company I work for!

In addition to working 30 hours a week from home, I also take three classes online. I signed up for online classes so I would be able to be home with my son but still work towards a degree of some sort. Further my education. I specifially chose classes I thought would be low maintenance or atleast some what easy since I knew I would have a new baby during the semester. Web Design - pretty much how I pictured it. Child Health & Nutrition - great and I'm learning a ton of very useful information! Art Appreciation - I should have known better. The assignments are much more spread out compared to my other two classes, but they are also papers. Written papers. They are easy by comparisson to most college papers! I'm currently working on a four page paper for my midterm. Yep, thats it. Four pages is a midterm. But uh, I'm having trouble with it.

My head is elsewhere I guess. I used to be great at writting papers, even if I couldn't even begin to comprehend the topic I could still write a darn good paper about it! But now, I don't know. I guess I just have too much else to think about. I can't get my head on track with this topic, and its due by noon tomorrow. Along with a test I need to study for for web design. *sigh*

In my dream world - I open a local daycare. Just something small with a friend. We would cloth diaper and babywear the children and it would be great! We actually have brainstormed it and we have a few innovative ideas that I wont talk about here because, well because we actually hope to do it! Now - to be honest I love children but now that I have my own child I really don't like the idea of dividing my attention from him every day. Once in a while sure of course, I love to baby sit for my friends. But everyday? I don't think I could. I'd love to just tell someone my ideas and kind of run the daycare behind the scenes. Set the parameters or something. In my other dream world - I stay home and make cloth diapers and wet bags and nursing covers =) I'm decent with a sewing machine just need some brushing up.

So anyhow - all of this has me thinking if I really want to try to go to school right now. After some thought I've decided that bewteen Turtle-Love being born, planning our wedding, preparing for my confirmation and Turtle-Love's baptism, working, and trying to keep the house straight - maybe school is just a little too much. I mean, I would love to be the girl who did it all, all at once. But maybe - maybe I need to take time to breathe? Turtle-Love will only be this little for a little while. Maybe I'll take a break until January. Turtle-Love will be one, Toad and I will be married, and I'll have gotten into a better rhythm being a mom. Maybe by then something will have changed with work - who knows. I know that right now, right now I'm sad I have a paper to write and can't focus on it. I'm sad that I have to type this while I nurse Turtle-Love because if I'm not multi-tasking I'm falling behind.