We Aren't Ready

I was having this conversation with my little sister via AIM just a few minutes ago and realized, I should just freaking blog it.

I was whining to her that I have a ton of things to get done (both at work and at home, but since I'm at work I was speaking of work...) and that I'm lacking the motivation to get it all done. Which prompted her to ask me if I've packed my hospital bag yet. She has had her hospital bag (she isn't pregnant, she is part of my birth team) ready and in her car for several weeks now. Since I was like 34 weeks along. This is my response to her, verbatim (because I'm too lazy to recap so I just used copy pasta. Yes, pasta)

    We have clothes in a drawer waiting to be put into a bag, and I have some fo my bathroom stuff together waiting to be put into a bag. I have my rice sock and tennis ball and lotion ready to be packed and I bought the snacks I wanna take last night
    I just have to put everything together
    I'm so unorganized and all over the place and I feel like I can't find the time to get anything done. By the time I get home I look around and think of all the things I need to do and just get really frustrated because I can't do them by myself, I don't have everything I need, or I just get overwhelmed with where to start
    And every time I go downstairs to get something ready I get resistance from [names of people we live with go here] and bullshit comments - or I get sucked into some vortex of theirs
    Which I know I shouldn't let bother me but it does
    I really just want to go ahead and take off from work to try and get it all done
    but I cant
    And I feel like because I'm not ready, she isn't coming
    and so she will be late because I'm late to do everything
    its just a really big bullshit and unhealthy cycle

Here she mentions something about how I can only do one thing at a time

     Well I tried to get my bag together the night you were leaving. But then I found out my luggage of course smells like smoke so I don't want to put anything in it. So that's why everything (well... everything we have) is sitting in a drawer. I'm airing the bags out.
     But even then I don't have everything from the list together. Either I don't have it, or its on the wrong floor and when I try to collect it from said floor I get stopped to do something else and completely lose track of what I'm doing and bam. Nothing gets done

Here we talk about how I haven't put anything in my bags because they smell like smoke and I'm airing them out. She comments about how I haven't used my luggage since I quit smoking/we moved out of our old house which was smoked in(not just by me).

    My duffel bag is HUGE so I don't think I need all of that
    Maybe I'll just throw it all in there anyways and say fuck it
    because now that my luggage has been sitting outside on the front porch for 2 days I'm sure it is A- full of bugs and B- smells like smoke again

Four members of my family that we live with smoke. Which would be all the adult members that we live with, excluding my husband and I (my sister doesn't live with us - nor does she smoke). They all smoke outside but if you've ever lived with a smoker you know how the smell wiggles its way in anyways which really bugs me and makes me thankful I have my own, completely smoke free (because no one walks all the way up there) apartment to run away my duffel bag has escaped the smoke and been used a ton of times since moving so I have no issue with it aside from its very large size.

She mentions that means I can fit my pillows inside it. Sweet. Done. I'll do that.

Anyhow - the problem is that I just have so much to do still! We haven't gotten the house ready or finished getting the things we need for Little Bean.  We still haven't finished our damn birth classes. Seriously - my husband's schedule sucks for finding time to do this when paired with the other timing crap we deal with. And it is pretty difficult to pay attention to a birth video while you or your husband is falling asleep. Or while your toddler is running around like a crazy person. I don't want to send him downstairs to be with someone else I want to spend time with him! I'm away from him all day at work, I miss him while I'm at my prenatal exercise classes, and then I have to try and squeeze this video in... it's just rough.

Never mind. I'm done whining. I need to try and get something accomplished at work today. Make that several things. Maybe then I can feel a little bit better.

Trying to relax

Turtle-Love was born 32 days before his due date.

I have 2 due dates with this kiddo - my due date via my last menstrual cycle (LMP) that the Dr's office si going by - and my due date via first ultrasound that the Ultrasound/Diagnosis center is going by (which is run by the lead Dr at my office).

We all know due dates are estimates. Or, at least we should. But that doesn't keep the majority of us (in my experience) from using them, relying on them, stressing out about them.

According to one due date (via ultrasound) I'm due 5/9 and that means yesterday I was 32 days out til my due date. CUE PANIC

Yesterday morning, despite how much I tried to relax, I was just maxed out in the stress department. It took a good cry, family support, my mother and chocolate. To finally get a good chunk of it out of my system. My little sister and I took off with Turtle-Love to my Dad's for the day. I stopped and got the yarn I needed to work on Little Bean's outfit I'm crocheting on the way out of town. I relaxed inside crocheting before lunch, and after lunch took my crocheting outside to soak up some much needed Vitamin D. My sister kept up with Turtle-Love for me while we were there - along with my Dad and Step-Mom of course - and they all came outside to play while I took in the sunshine. The weather was amazing yesterday. It was great to relax and crochet while listening and peaking at the giggles from my son while he played. I felt immensely better by the time we got home, and spent the rest of the evening relaxing and watching Army Wives on Netflix, while cuddling with Turtle-Love or watching him play with Toad.

According to my other due date (via LMP) I'll be 32 days out on Thursday. I'm referring to this 5 day period as "Doom week". The funny thing is though, I can't figure out what I'm more worried about - if she comes early or if she doesn't. Weird. I know. No one wants their baby to come early. Especially a mother who has already been through having a baby hooked up to machines in the NICU. It is terrifying to see your child that way. At the same time though - I would know what to expect. I could guesstimate at the labor and how it would go. I would know what to expect would happen once she was born. I know how the NICU works. How transferring works. How pumping and sitting at my child's side aching and waiting for it to be safe to hold them works. I know what it is like to have to leave during shift change - and using that time to finally eat more than a snack in the hall way. I know what it is like to feel guilty for sleeping too late and missing morning rounds. Or for not waking up to the alarm to pump in the middle of the night. I know what it is like to admit you are too tired to stay, that it is too late for you to be at your child's bedside anymore and that you have to go home - without them. I know what it is like to call the nurse's station before you go to sleep - before you can sleep - to check on your baby. No one wants that. But at the same time, I don't know what happens past this point. Will she be slightly early? On time? Late? What then? What will labor be like? Can I handle it? Can I birth a full term baby, or at least one that is bigger? How will I feel? Will I really wish her out before she is ready because I cannot imagine that. What is it like to be able to keep your baby with you after birth? Can I handle it? Can I handle these next few weeks and keep up with my 28 month old?? Can I keep up after she is born? It just goes on. I know, logically, that I will adjust. It might take time but I will inevitable be a mother to two children and I will absolutely love it. That doesn't keep me  from being worried about it and a thousand other things.

And so... at 35 weeks today (or 36 weeks on Thursday) I'm a little stressed out. I'm trying really really hard not to be - and just getting past yesterday was one big hurdle. I suspect Thursday may be another. Right now I'm doing okay. I have work to throw my self in to, and crocheting to do. Once this "doom week" passes, I think I'll feel up to tackling the list of things we didn't finish by this time like I had hoped.

Side note: It really sucks to have these nesting urges and be too scared to clean your house because it might cause labor -_- Slightly irrational fear? You bet'cha. Doesn't mean it isn't valid.